You just got Lawyered!

Hello Blog readers! Merry almost Christmas!

I thought I'd start this post with a bit of an update on Moo as her surgery draws near (Tomorrow!). She is doing really well, although she is frustrated with being confined and not allowed to run around like the nut-case she can be. Most especially she is missing her daily patrols of the fence, she seems to think our boarders are unsafe because she is not on the job. 

It has been really awful to lock her in the laundry and keep her inside when all she wants to do is be out in the world. She just can't understand why we won't let her do the things she has always done. Well sadly we had all better get used to is because we are in for another 6+ weeks of it!

It is all going to be ok though. The surgery will go well and we'll get a lot more years with our big girl.

So onto a new topic, I am please to announce I have now not only finished all my Christmas shopping, I have also wrapped all the presents! I am very proud of myself as this has previously been a last minute kind of thing. This year I am organised and everything was planned well in advance. I am quietly very proud of myself and hope I can continue these good habits into the new year!

Christmas shopping is a nightmare, people become rabid during the Christmas season and being in close quarters with them in shopping centres is just unpleasant!

I have been blown away by the rudeness of some people! I mean really shoving into people does not get your shopping done any faster! I feel sorriest for people with little kids trying to battle their way through the toy departments...total bedlam! Then it hits me that next year that might be me and I can't help but think that Bub is totally getting all home-made gifts or I am doing all my shopping online!

Speaking of Bub I was thinking it was about time I gave you some more info into the journey to create Bub. So last thing I spoke about was our meeting with the fertility clinic's counsellor. After that we were required to go see a family lawyer to obtain a letter that stated the lawyer had explained our rights and all that.

So on 1 August 2012 off we went to meet with our lawyer, who looked about 12 but was actually pretty good. Although Bio Mum had a cringe moment (I was oblivious) when our lawyer said "for all intensive purposes" instead of "for all intents and purposes." I even received a very detailed email later that day stating the grammatically correct way of using that phrase. 

Lovely lawyer (despite being grammatically incorrect) knew her stuff and was well prepared for our meeting. She gave us a great overview of our individual rights, the status of Bub and even what happens with the birth certificate.

Each state and territory in Australia has different laws and legislation that impact same sex couples who have children together. Some states are really ridged and there is very little wiggle room, others are more liberal and open. In the ACT where we live, the laws and legislation are quite broad and allow a lot of rights for us as a same sex couple having a child together. 

Our lawyer gave us information about what happens in the event we separate, the legal status of our child, what happens if one of us dies and lastly any birth certificate issues. 

In terms of how this works, as the birth Mother (Incubator Mum) I am considered the mother  of the child. Bio Mum is considered the intended other parent of Bub. Therefore, Bub is considered a child of our relationship. In the case that we separate or one of us dies, Bub is considered the child of both of us and as such we each have rights as Bub's parents. 

As for birth certificates, here in the ACT it is quite straight forward for both Bio Mum and I to be listed on the birth certificate as Bub's parents. As the birth mother, I would be listed as the mother on the birth certificate and Bio Mum would be listed as other parent. 

Thankfully the ACT is pretty open and liberal in terms of same sex relationships. It is one of the few states or territories in Australia that allow civil unions for same sex couples (same sex marriages are illegal in Australia), actually Bio Mum and I met at a civil union. I am glad to be having Bub here in the ACT, I glad that they will be instantly recognised as our child.

So this is where I leave you, if I don't post again before, Merry Christmas and have a safe and wonderful new year!

More tales of Bio Mum and Incubator Mum will follow soon...

Moo's trip to the Vet

Today I am home sick from work and have also had to take Moo to the vet. Our beautiful big girl was unable to put weight on one of her legs last night and the earliest we could get her into the vet was this morning. Watching her struggle to hobble around was really upsetting, the worst part being there was nothing we could do. I guess that's much like when your child is sick isn't it? There is only so much you can actually do.

This morning I loaded her into the car (having to lift her into the backseat which is not so easy given that she is in excess of 40kg) and drove her to our vet. She was a gem the whole way there and an angel in reception area while we waited for our vet. Even when a grumpy black staffy was barking and whining at her, Moo just lay quietly at my feet (well actually on my feet). She is such a good girl.

After a short wait we went in and saw our vet. Moo dragged me straight over to the work experience girl so she could get pats, ignoring the vet until he started feeling around her sore leg. Most other dogs would have growled or snapped at someone manipulating their sore leg, but not Moo. She just looked up at me with the saddest brown eyes, asking me to make the pain stop. I patted her and spoke softly to her while she was examined. She was such a good girl.

After a quick look it was determined that further tests would have to be done once Moo had gotten some painkillers into her, that meant I was going to have to leave her with the vet. I asked some questions, said goodbye to my furry girl and left her there. It was really sad when she tried to follow me and got held back.

A few hours later I got the call that Moo had partially torn a ligament in her leg and would require surgery next week. Not the best news at all. Luckily we could bring her home until then, but will need to keep her still (which will be a challenge and a half!). Moo is now home and feeling very sorry for herself. It is so hard to watching her hobble around and be in pain.

Next week she will have her surgery and fingers crossed it all goes well and she will still have a lot of years of quality life. 

The hard part now will be keeping Moo still. Both Bio Mum and I have to work so it looks like I'll be trying to work from home, leave early, drop home at lunches and all that to make sure Moo is ok. We're going to have to confine her to the laundry, as recommended by the vet, and she isn't going to like it.

I think all this is just training for when Bub arrives. The decisions, the shuffling things around, making arrangements, I think they're all things you need to do as a parent. The realization that its not just about you anymore, that your life is bigger than just you. Our lives are bigger than just us, they involve Moo and each other.

I'll let you know how Moo is going!

Epidemic!

In the last few weeks I have noticed a trend. It has become even more apparent as I have been braving shopping centers in my quest for Christmas presents for my loved ones. This epidemic is by no means a bad one, it is just everywhere! What am I talking about? Babies of course!

Today me and Bio Mum went to DFO (big factory outlets shopping center for people deprived of this scary and over-crowded shopping experience) and my gosh there were pregnant women and babies EVERYWHERE! No matter where I looked there were babies, pregnant women or baby merchandise. Is there really this baby epidemic or am I just getting cluckier and more keen to have my own baby than I thought?

Everyone is getting pregnant or having babies, it is insane! Is the universe trying to tell us to get a move on making our own baby or what?! Even Kate Middleton is pregnant (my heart aches for all the drama and pain surrounding what should be a happy time. My thoughts go out to the family of the nurse who will experience the most devastating Christmas imaginable). I of course would never wish for the terrible time Kate has had with her acute morning sickness and I wish her and Royal Bub the best.

Oh and to build on this epidemic, in the past week both of my friend Emma's sisters have had baby girls. Babies are really taking over my world and I am not even pregnant yet! Whenever I do something I can't help but imagine having a baby with me. I think about getting up at night (either woken by Bub or a cranky Bio Mum who can't quite believe I can sleep through the sound of a crying baby) to look after Bub, I think about feeding Bub and changing Bub and all that stuff. Somethings thrill me more than others, but I am excited for all of it.

So last time I talked about the fun and stress of choosing a sperm donor. It was a hell of an experience, which now that its done I can look back on it fondly. I am ultimately content with our choice and know that while Bub will be biologically related to this guy, it won't take away from me as the non-Bio Mum in the equation. Bub will be as much my baby as they would have been if they possessed my genetic material. 

Anyway I was going to tell you about our appointments with the fertility clinic's counsellor and the BDC (Baby Daddy Coordinator as the Donor Coordinator was dubbed by Bio Mum). On 4 July 2012 we headed off to the fertility clinic, not overly sure what to expect. It's not like either of us had ever experienced this before, clearly. On arrival we waited for our counsellor, Kim, and were soon taken into a small office to talk to her.

Kim was kind and helpful (well I thought so, Bio Mum thought she was a little judgmental) and asked a lot of what I thought were pretty standard questions about us, our families and our relationship. She jotted down some info (which I assume is typed up in a report in our file with the clinic), asked a few questions and then spent s fair bit of time talking us through the process and providing us with literature to take away with us. 

One of the questions she asked, which really got me tot thinking, was when were we planning to tell our child about the nature of their birth (i.e. donor sperm, Bio Mum's eggs and Incubator Mum's oven) . I hadn't given it much thought previously so it was great to have that question posed. I mean there are probably a million different opinions and ideas about this topic. Kim put it to us that it was better to have the conversation sooner rather than later, that you could start telling a child as young as 2 or 3 years old so it just becomes a part of who they are. I guess it takes away the stigma that might be attached if it is kept a 'secret' and then revealed when Bub is older.

You can even get story books that talk about different types of family configurations and children born through IVF and assisted reproductive technologies. It is pretty fascinating actually. Below is one I found on the web:

There are a lot of resources and support available through the following websites:

Australian Donor Conception Network
http://www.australiandonorconceptionnetwork.org/index.html 
 
Books for Donor Offspring
http://booksfordonoroffspring.blogspot.com.au/p/gay-parents.html 

On reflection I agree with the idea of telling Bub from as early as possible. I don't want Bub to ever feel that their family isn't 'normal'. I want Bub to understand that families come in all make ups. There are so many different types and formations of families so I want Bub to know that just because there isn't a 'Daddy' in our family, it doesn't make us any different from other families. We will all love each other just the same.

So that is what I will really take away from our appointment with Kim. 

After Kim we met with the BDC who gave us some more advice about the sperm donor process and the procurement of sperm (at this stage we still hadn't settled on the donor, that happened about a week or so later). BDC was good, but I found the advice kind of vague and not as helpful as I'd hoped for. Maybe my expectations were too high. 

Following that we met with Madame Admin Manager who talked as through the fees (and man did my eyes bug out of my head at the cost, whoa Bub you are one expensive little, not even conceived yet, baby!). Not that cost is the be all and end all, but anyone considering going down the same path as Bio Mum and I should be realistic about how expensive it is going to be. You don't want to be surprised down the track.

With that said, I honestly think nothing in the world will ever give me as much joy as Bub and Bio Mum will (and do). I can't wait for future Christmases, watching kids sports, Mum and Bub swimming lessons (which both Bio Mum and I want to attend so it might be a whole family affair!), birthdays, mother's days and all the rest. 

Oh Bub, how loved you will be (and already are). How lucky and blessed are Bio Mum and I going to be to have you joining our family.

For now, farewell and thank you for reading,

Incubator Mum 

       

Mummy Training

So for the last few weeks Moo the dog has taken it upon herself to 'train' me and Bio Mum in the art of broken sleep. Moo has now decided that she wants to be let out each night, but also wants you to wait until she is done and let her back in. Previously she has slept though the night.

Of course this is where I must admit that most nights I have slept through her scratching at the bedroom door and it has been Bio Mum having to get up for her. I wonder if that is how it will work once Bub hits the scene? Hmm somehow I doubt Bio Mum will be ok with that. I may end up with a few elbows to the ribs if Bub's crying doesn't wake me up.

I was a zombie at work yesterday (almost to the point of searching for brains to eat) because of Miss Moo-Moo waking me up the night before. I shudder to think what having a newborn will do to my already delicate sleepiness. I love sleep, I need sleep, I am a monster without sleep. Oh Bub please don't take away my sleep!

In my last blog I talked about going to see Dr D and getting the ball rolling on making Bub. The next step for us was to meet with a counsellor and donor coordinator, or Baby Daddy Coordinator (BDC) as Bio Mum termed her, at the fertility clinic we had chosen to go through. Now due to 'scheduling conflicts' we couldn't get in to see the counsellor or the BDC until 4 July, quite a while after our appointment with Dr D. 

It wasn't such a bad thing though, it gave us time to let the process sink in and get prepared for the next stage. It also gave us time to start the fun process of looking at potential sperm donors!

Now that is a very strange type of shopping that involved judging people we'd never met based on an internet profile (some times with or without photos). It's also kind of weird to even Google something like 'sperm donors' or 'sperm banks'. It's not something I had ever thought about before.

The whole process of looking through possible donors was interesting to say the least. We spent a lot of time  going over profile after profile until I think we had seen hundreds! We looked on European sites and American ones, sadly there are not as many possible donors here in Australia. We read about man after man until I sure we were never going to find the right guy. 

Finally, after advice from our BDC and shelling out a subscription fee to a few American sites (oh and that is something to remember, if you want to see all the information including pictures you are going to have to subscribe to the sperm bank websites) we narrowed down our search. We found a site we liked, which gave us all the details we wanted in order to make this decision. The site was xytex.com and for a $200+ subscription fee we had an all access pass for a few months to see full medical histories (donor and family back to grandparents and including Aunts and Uncles), descriptions (physical and personality), baby/childhood photo, adult photo, sperm bank staff impressions, donors personal essay and a fair bit more. 

I think one of the hardest things was for Bio Mum and I to get on the same page about what it was we wanted in our donor. I mean we had a few key characteristics we agreed on, over 6 ft, younger, brown hair, green or blue eyes, athletic and intelligent, but we seemed to have trouble agreeing on one donor. It's like Bio Mum would find a guy she liked, but I would have an issue with him and vice versa.  

It took a while until we found a guy we both liked. Actually we originally dismissed him because he has an allergy to certain types of medications, but we kept coming back to him and realised that he was the one. He was our donor!

Our donor is a very good looking young man (who looks a bit like Channing Tatum, see pic below) who meets all our criteria. His personal essay was lovely and he came across as a genuine, nice guy who has a strong sense of family. He is athletic and very smart (Med student) and aside from his drug allergy no alarm bells in his family medical history. He is just what we were looking for. 

So that was done, one of the biggest decisions of our lives was made. Fingers crossed Channing Tatum look-a-like mixed with Bio Mum makes a cute, smart and awesome Bub! No matter what though, Bub is going to be loved so much by their Mummies that no man or woman will ever be good enough for them!

Getting Ready for Christmas

So Bio Mum and I just put up our Christmas tree and it got me to thinking that if all goes to plan this time next year we may have a little Bub shaped observer or I, Incubator Mum, will be just about ready to pop! It won't just be Bio Mum, me and Moo (who was forced to dance in the lounge room to Christmas carols with me while Bio Mum unsuccessfully snapped photos on her phone). It is a thought that makes me as excited as a kid who has drunk way too much red cordial.

Last post of mine I started to tell the story of Bio Mum and my journey to have a baby. I think the journey officially started back on 15 May 2012, even though the discussions and thought of making Bub had started quite a bit before that. I'd say that was the 'official' start to this process because that was the day we had our very first appointment with Dr D, a specialist in Obstetrics and Gynecology working with our fertility clinic.  

Dr D is amazing. She instantly made us feel like she understood us and what we wanted. She made us feel like she was on our team and that making Bub was really important to her (clearly not as important as it is to us because that would be kind of weird). She put us at ease and gave us hope that our dreams of having Bub in the way we wanted to was a real possibility.

Dr D never told us how it had to be, she listened to what we wanted and advised from there. She was so excited to help us build our family that she made me feel totally confident in her ability to help us through this process. Yay for Dr D!

The way Bio Mum and I wanted to have Bub is by no means the simplest, but it is the way we both feel is right for us and our relationship. The way it will work is that we'll use Bio Mum's eggs, donor sperm and I, Incubator Mum, will be the one getting knocked up. I guess that might explain the names I am using for us. Bio Mum will be the biological Mum and I will be the birth (or incubator) Mum. Its a way we can both be involved and have a real, tangible connection to Bub once he or she enters our lives.

I mean there are a lot of other factors in our decision, like the fact it will be easier for me to get maternity leave and sick leave because of where I work, plus I am a bit younger than Bio Mum so fertility wise we may have a better chance at getting me all knocked up. It just felt like the right way for us to go about this. 

I will admit though that the thought of morning sickness has almost terrified me to the point that I would willingly pass the reins of pregnancy off to Bio Mum! I keep telling myself that not all women get bad morning sickness and that if they do it rarely lasts that long. I also tell myself that no amount of discomfort or nausea will ever be enough to make me not want to give Bub a home in my womb for 9 months!

Actually I have read some things in pregnancy books that have scared me to my core! It got to a point where Bio Mum told me to stop reading them. I just like to be prepared! Maybe once I am actually pregnant I'll start reading them again. I want to be the best pregnant Incubator Mum I can be so that Bub shoots out as healthy as possible. I just want to give Bub the best start to life I can.

That would be why I am aiming to eat a fair amount of Sushi before getting impregnated, knowing that it will be off the menu for me once Bub has taken up residence in my belly. It's actually quite interesting to read about what you can't eat while pregnant, I will miss you sushi, salad bars and soft cheese! Fare thee well wine and cider, we will be reacquainted again one day!

It's all for the best reason though, to give Bub a good start at life. Oh Bub I can't wait to give you life and to have you join our family. Many steps have been climbed already, and many more are still to go, but all are worth it to bring you into our lives. You are barely more than a dream at this stage, but Bub Bio Mum and I already love you so much.

Stay tuned for more Tales of Bio Mum and Incubator Mum and I will keep telling the story of how Bub will be joining our family.

Ciao for now.
  

In the beginning...

In the beginning there was Bio Mum and me, Incubator Mum, living happily together like two lesbian pigs in mud. Then came the undeniable and unrelenting thoughts of babies. Babies are everywhere! I can't go to the shops without seeing a baby or a pregnant lady and instead of turning me off the whole idea, it just made me ever more certain I wanted that for Bio Mum and myself.

I wanted the sleepless nights and pretending to be impressed by every little thing this tiny human would do. I wanted to get fat and have people ask me "so when are you due?" And I wanted to tell them and gush about baby clothes, cots, toys, car seats and the like. I wanted to experience crazy pregnancy hormones and weird cravings. I wanted to build on our family in the only way that could ever make us feel complete. I wanted (and still want) to be a Mummy.

Now Bio Mum and I had talked about babies a fair bit. We established early on that we both wanted them in the not so distant future. I had always seen myself settling down and having kids one day (of course when I was a teenager I forced those dreams to include a man...how glad am I that I realised my Prince Charming was really a Princess?!). It was something I had always wanted. I remember being a little girl and playing families with my friends. I always had babies in those games and it felt right.

I was born to be a lesbian Mum, just like other people are born to be doctors or actors or porn stars (well actually I don't know if people are born to be that last one...that might just happen). I was born to meet Bio Mum and fall head over heels in love with her. I was born to build a family and a life with her, that much I am certain of.

So once that certainty was there, the next step was to actually start seriously talking about the whole baby making thing we would need to embark on. 

Having a baby sounds reasonably simple doesn’t it? I mean people and animals have been doing it since the beginning of time so how hard can it be? Well I for one never realised how complicated (and expensive) it could become.

You know the old story your parents told you about how you came into the world. Your Mum and Dad loved each other very much and then you were born. Magic!

Well in reality it doesn’t quite work out like that. There are variables that turn this wonderful, natural every day event into something that is still wonderful, but with added layers of complexity. For Bio Mum and I the journey is somewhat different from the one our parents took to have us.

The journey for a lesbian, or hell any, couple to have a baby can take a variety of forms. We could adopt, we could foster, one or both of us could get pregnant (preferably not at the same time! That would be way too much crazy pregnancy hormones for one couple) or we could have our fur kids. Bio Mum and I are besotted with our fur kid Moo, the big, goofy, loveable Rottweiler/Ridgeback cross.

We are now quite a ways along our baby journey, not quite at the cooking (pregnancy) stage but we’re getting there. Over the next lot of post I will give the details of what has gone down so far. The appointments, the tests, the dreaded hormones, the whole kit and caboodle. 

It has been an exciting/stressful/challenging time, but at the end of the day it will be 150% worth it when we get to meet Bub.

Incubator Mum, signing out.